BEER DRINKERS TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Symptom Fault Solution
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; front of shirt is wet. Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Glass is empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Room is spinning. Somebody is spinning your barstool. Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held in incorrect angle. Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Loss of self-control. Go and stand beside nearest dog. After complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Lap cool and wet. Drooling on yourself. Change position so that you're drooling at someone else.
Bat blurred. You are looking through a bottom of your empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar moving. Your are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Bar looks like a circus. You're at a circus. Go to a bar.
The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. You have fallen over backwards. If glass is still full, and no one is standing in your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
OUT OF BEER.
SYSTEM HALTED
OUT OF BEER.
SYSTEM HALTED
OUT OF BEER.
SYSTEM HALTED